How to Build a Community With Other Moms
A great resource for Bend is Mom's Meet-up of Central Oregon! http://www.meetup.com/momsmeetupofco/
Being a stay-home mother can be one of the most isolating experiences in a woman's life. I thought I understood that when I quit my job to be home with my infant daughter. We lived in a small apartment then, in an urban center buzzing with art, music, and twenty-something hipsters who mixed comfortably with the old-timers and young families. It was perfect. If I got desperate for simulation, or lonely for adult interaction, my daughter and I would walk to the center of town, where I would drink coffee and people-watch while she napped. Later, we'd visit any one of a number of playgrounds and I'd chat with the mothers while pushing her on the swings. Every library had a weekly storytime; the upscale toy shop hosted a sing-a-long on Saturdays. While I missed regular adult companionship from time to time, I was content and happy, stimulated by the neighborhood where I felt like I was still a vital part of the cool world, even though I was on the outside of it looking in.
That all changed when we moved to the suburbs.
Buying a house was the next step in the American dream, of course. I had the husband, the child, and now it was time for the neighborhood. I remembered the hide and seek games of my childhood, the neighborhood-wide water fights, and riding bikes in the street, all while the moms, a tight-knit group, chatted at the curb and played mahjong in the evenings. "I'm ready for that," I thought. "I'm ready to grow up and be a neighborhood mom."
Like many new homebuyers in our state, escalating house prices sent us far from the neighborhoods we had hoped to live in; far from the family-owned ethnic markets, and tiny art studios, to the land of the Olive Garden and big box superstores. "That's ok," we said to ourselves. "We would go about making a home. We would plant a garden, put up a basketball hoop, and watch our daughter play on our dead end street with her friends. Most importantly, we would get to know our neighbors. We knew there were other families on the block-the minivans and toddler toys attested to that. And where there are children, there are mothers, I figured. No doubt there were city transplants like myself, looking for playgroups and intelligent conversation. We would fit in easily, and build a real life like our parents had done for us.
And then the reality of the 21st century stay-home mom lifestyle set in.
The minute we closed on the house, it began to snow. And snow. And snow. The houses on our block that lured us with yards full of toys and play equipment the previous summer shut tight, with no signs of life within. The winter was particularly cold and icy, so playtime outside was minimal. We had brief conversations and exchanged waves with scarved and hatted new neighbors as we shoveled our paths and cars, but didn't learn any names, and certainly didn't set up any play dates.
"Well, once the spring comes, the kids will be outside, and we'll meet everyone," my husband comforted me, and I set about busying myself in our new home.
Winter eventually turned to spring, and with it, the rains came. March, April, May, June. The skies opened daily, nurturing our garden, but soaking the playground and drowning my spirits. There were no signs of the children or the moms I had expected would be my companions.
I was lonely. My daughter was bored. Because we were now "house poor," and living on one salary, I echewed expensive endeavors like Gymboree and ballet lessons, and instead we passed our days with trips to the mall, the chain bookstores, museums, and the library. I gave up on the one-hour-of-TV-a-day rule, the consequences being that Dora, Blue, and Big Bird became our close friends instead of the neighborhood children.
Instead of getting to know my new neighborhood, I was isolated in my new home, and began to feel like a prisoner. I gradually realized that because everything in the city had been so accessible and well publicized, I had never learned the skills I needed to build a social life for my daughter and myself. I began to seek out information with new energy. Instead of limiting myself to my own community, I searched out the neighboring ones as well. I read my local paper, and those of the neighboring towns for listings. I scoured the bulletin boards at the supermarket for information about mothers' organizations and playgroups. I went online and found a whole community of women in the same boat.
By the beginning of July the sun finally showed itself. My daughter and I started taking early morning walks. I stopped every mother I met en route, and chatted her up about neighborhood resources. I learned which playgrounds were shaded and which got too hot, which beaches had public bathrooms and which to avoid, and which coffee shops had the friendly moms, and which had the snobs.
What I also learned from these roadside encounters was that even moms who stay home with their kids are too busy to socialize the way my mother and her friends had done. Because children are rarely out playing out in the street anymore, that means no one is out chatting by the curb. Moms are more likely to be found in the minivan ferrying their kids to various activities than gossiping over the fence with their neighbors.
Building a community is hard work these days. Even if you are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with other stay-home mothers, you might not have anything in common with them besides your children. Moms need to be more creative and assertive, and employ the networking strategies from their professional days to meet mothers with similar interests and values as their own.
I have slowly been forming a group of moms and kids to socialize with, and we make regular appointments to see each other, which go up on the calendar along with the dentist and doctor visits. We take advantage of what our communities have to offer: concerts in the park, family swim at the Y, and yes, even the occasional old-fashioned barbecue at someone's home. But it all takes a lot more planning than I had expected, and a lot more work to make these relationships happen. I just wish I had known that before leaving my cozy enclave. It would have made the long winter easier to bear.
Here are some ideas for moms who will be at home with their kids to help get started building their community of friends.
Before Moving
In the summer, host a cookout. Even if you haven't met yet, slip flyers under the doors, and invite people over, tell them to bring what they want to grill and you'll supply the drinks, sides, and paper goods. You may not get to chat with everyone as they chase their children, but you've broken the ice for future playdates.
Remember: Don't limit yourself to your own town. And, talk to every new mother you meet, and ask her about resources in town.
That all changed when we moved to the suburbs.
Buying a house was the next step in the American dream, of course. I had the husband, the child, and now it was time for the neighborhood. I remembered the hide and seek games of my childhood, the neighborhood-wide water fights, and riding bikes in the street, all while the moms, a tight-knit group, chatted at the curb and played mahjong in the evenings. "I'm ready for that," I thought. "I'm ready to grow up and be a neighborhood mom."
Like many new homebuyers in our state, escalating house prices sent us far from the neighborhoods we had hoped to live in; far from the family-owned ethnic markets, and tiny art studios, to the land of the Olive Garden and big box superstores. "That's ok," we said to ourselves. "We would go about making a home. We would plant a garden, put up a basketball hoop, and watch our daughter play on our dead end street with her friends. Most importantly, we would get to know our neighbors. We knew there were other families on the block-the minivans and toddler toys attested to that. And where there are children, there are mothers, I figured. No doubt there were city transplants like myself, looking for playgroups and intelligent conversation. We would fit in easily, and build a real life like our parents had done for us.
And then the reality of the 21st century stay-home mom lifestyle set in.
The minute we closed on the house, it began to snow. And snow. And snow. The houses on our block that lured us with yards full of toys and play equipment the previous summer shut tight, with no signs of life within. The winter was particularly cold and icy, so playtime outside was minimal. We had brief conversations and exchanged waves with scarved and hatted new neighbors as we shoveled our paths and cars, but didn't learn any names, and certainly didn't set up any play dates.
"Well, once the spring comes, the kids will be outside, and we'll meet everyone," my husband comforted me, and I set about busying myself in our new home.
Winter eventually turned to spring, and with it, the rains came. March, April, May, June. The skies opened daily, nurturing our garden, but soaking the playground and drowning my spirits. There were no signs of the children or the moms I had expected would be my companions.
I was lonely. My daughter was bored. Because we were now "house poor," and living on one salary, I echewed expensive endeavors like Gymboree and ballet lessons, and instead we passed our days with trips to the mall, the chain bookstores, museums, and the library. I gave up on the one-hour-of-TV-a-day rule, the consequences being that Dora, Blue, and Big Bird became our close friends instead of the neighborhood children.
Instead of getting to know my new neighborhood, I was isolated in my new home, and began to feel like a prisoner. I gradually realized that because everything in the city had been so accessible and well publicized, I had never learned the skills I needed to build a social life for my daughter and myself. I began to seek out information with new energy. Instead of limiting myself to my own community, I searched out the neighboring ones as well. I read my local paper, and those of the neighboring towns for listings. I scoured the bulletin boards at the supermarket for information about mothers' organizations and playgroups. I went online and found a whole community of women in the same boat.
By the beginning of July the sun finally showed itself. My daughter and I started taking early morning walks. I stopped every mother I met en route, and chatted her up about neighborhood resources. I learned which playgrounds were shaded and which got too hot, which beaches had public bathrooms and which to avoid, and which coffee shops had the friendly moms, and which had the snobs.
What I also learned from these roadside encounters was that even moms who stay home with their kids are too busy to socialize the way my mother and her friends had done. Because children are rarely out playing out in the street anymore, that means no one is out chatting by the curb. Moms are more likely to be found in the minivan ferrying their kids to various activities than gossiping over the fence with their neighbors.
Building a community is hard work these days. Even if you are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with other stay-home mothers, you might not have anything in common with them besides your children. Moms need to be more creative and assertive, and employ the networking strategies from their professional days to meet mothers with similar interests and values as their own.
I have slowly been forming a group of moms and kids to socialize with, and we make regular appointments to see each other, which go up on the calendar along with the dentist and doctor visits. We take advantage of what our communities have to offer: concerts in the park, family swim at the Y, and yes, even the occasional old-fashioned barbecue at someone's home. But it all takes a lot more planning than I had expected, and a lot more work to make these relationships happen. I just wish I had known that before leaving my cozy enclave. It would have made the long winter easier to bear.
Here are some ideas for moms who will be at home with their kids to help get started building their community of friends.
Before Moving
- Subscribe to the local papers for your town and the surrounding towns. You'll find out which organizations regularly offer activities for children.
- Scout out the playgrounds. Check to see how well they are maintained, and whether they are within walking distance from your home.
- Visit the YMCA and see what programs are offered.
- Check out your local supermarket and pick up a parent's guide (usually found in the racks of free publications) and check the bulletin boards. Moms frequently advertise playgroups and mothers groups here.
- Call the public library for their schedule of programs.
- Call your Recreation Department for their schedule of programs for young children.
- Become a regular at free story times at the local bookstore and/or library. Show your face often enough and you'll start to make contact with the other parents who do the same.
- Let your pediatrician know you are looking for activities. They get flyers, bulletins and newsletters from everyone.
- Your town or one nearby might have an indoor play space. Check their bulletin boards regularly.
- Churches and synagogues frequently host activities, or provide space for other groups who offer music classes, play co-ops, or mothers meetings. You usually don't have to be a member to attend.
- If your town has a gymnastics, dance studio, or sports complex, see if they offer open family time.
- Join a playgroup or start your own. Hang some flyers on the supermarket bulletin board or take out a small ad in the local paper.
- Zoos, museums, theaters and music schools often sponsor children's classes, concerts and events.
- Ask for museum memberships as holiday gifts.
In the summer, host a cookout. Even if you haven't met yet, slip flyers under the doors, and invite people over, tell them to bring what they want to grill and you'll supply the drinks, sides, and paper goods. You may not get to chat with everyone as they chase their children, but you've broken the ice for future playdates.
Remember: Don't limit yourself to your own town. And, talk to every new mother you meet, and ask her about resources in town.
http://www.life123.com/career-money/real-estate/moving-tips/how-to-build-a-community-with-other-moms.shtml
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